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February 1: My new album. CRUDBUMP: "NA$TYJAM$"
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SEPTEMBER 2005  last month i took a vacation. you might be thinking to yourself, "why did he go on vacation, he had a vacation already this year!" you are correct, and the answer is that unemployment is really quite tiring and one must vacation from it here and there to get a fresh outlook on life! for me, the fresh outlook came from going to georgia! specifically, athens georgia. every year they have a music festival with all sorts of bands, and they are usually pretty good bands, because R.E.M. is from athens, and i guess a bunch of bands decided to take advantage of R.E.M.'s fame by being in athens! georgia in the summer time is pretty awesome. whenever you leave a car or building, your glasses fog up, because the air is at 99% humidity. this means that the state of georgia is a GIANT, FREE STEAM ROOM. no longer do you have to push old naked men and their towels out of the way to get some steam up in your atmosphere! also, it means that no matter what horrible motel you stay at, instead of having a balcony or patio outside your motel room, you have a STEAM ROOM! such amazing inventions can come only from a state with the highest per-capita population of rappers. rappers need shiny cars with shiny hubcaps, fancy jewelry, and A CONSTANT OUTDOORS STEAM ROOM! this is how they roll. they roll hard. anyway, i went to see all of these bands play, spread over four days, and it was pretty amazing. the most amazing thing was how relaxed the hipsters all were. here in ohio, they are bitter, skinny men and women with acid tongues, who competitively drink and watch punk bands throw up on stage. in georgia, everyone is friendly. they leave their bags and purses around with nobody watching them, and nobody takes them. they are extremely chilled out. WHY? IT IS THE STEAM ROOM!!! EVERYONE GETS STEAM THERAPY! IT IS THERAPEUTIC, FOR THE NERVES, ESPECIALLY THE NERVES RESPONSIBLE FOR CREATING AND RECORDING RAP MUSIC. these bands i saw though, they weren't really rap groups, they were regular bands with guitars and people singing. the first day i went to the festival, i stopped in the bathroom to empty out my bratwurst, and saw the only piece of graffiti in the whole room: written across three urinals in bold capitals with a sharpie marker were the words MIKE MILLS HAS HERPES. now, i am not going to say anything bad about the keyboardist/bassist from R.E.M. as he is talented and seems like an okay dude. but i couldn't help thinking about that phrase over and over. mike mills has herpes. mike mills has herpes. it was so pervasive, so specific! who would know? how did they know? it can't be true, a rock star would be able to afford the most delicate and expensive treatments for any venereal disease he might catch. i rushed back to the motel after the first night's show and commandeered the computer in the closet labeled "BUSINESS CENTER" attached to the lobby. punching in "mike mills has herpes" ( http://www.google.com/search?&q=%22mike+mills+has+herpes%22 ) only located one mention of the phrase, coincidentally overheard outside the forty watt club in athens! i tried to do some more digging on the subject, but the motel's aging desktop creaked to a halt as i opened up browser windows and started poring through R.E.M. fan websites. CURSE YOU COMPAQ DESKPRO!!! i shouted at the computer, then left the closet and returned to my room. i laid in bed that night, sweating, in a fitful half-dreaming state. i dreamed that R.E.M. had invited my band to play, but then cancelled our gig when i couldn't stop staring at mike mills' pants, wondering if he really had herpes. i saw michael stipe's bald, gaunt skull chasing me through the sleepy streets of athens, chanting "mike mills has herpes! mike mills has herpes!" i awoke the next morning, and after a few cups of coffee it seemed my nightmares had finally ceased. i went to the rest of the shows with no problems, and that first night was the end of my terrible dreams. upon getting back to town, at my first band practice since vacation, i told the other band members what i saw. some believed it, and some didn't, but the final result is that we ended up dropping our cover of "driver 8" from the set list. it's for the best, really. i didn't want to end up seeing "DREW HAS HERPES" ten years from now, when i'm in the bathroom at a club. (back to the writing index page) |