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ARTICLE 137: how to move APRIL 2005 before i get started here, i need to ask you something. are you reading this at the store? JUST BUY THE MAGAZINE AND GO HOME. that is my public service announcement. buy the magazine and you can read it with a nice record on, having a good cup of tea or coffee, sitting on your couch without your shoes on. doesn't that sound nice? and for that matter, why don't you just subscribe? you won't even have to put your shoes on to go out and get the magazine in the first place. so, anyway, in the last issue, you may have noticed that i said i was moving. well, i did not lie. a lot of people say they're going to move but it is just a lie, what they really mean to say is "i wish i lived in a better neighborhood but i am not willing to pack everything up and move." they are suckers, because they do not realize that moving is basically the best idea ever! you get to go through your house and throw out everything you don't want, but unlike every other day, you think, "if i don't throw this out, i am gonna have to pack it up carefully in some expensive cardboard box, and take it to my new place, and unpack it, and I DO NOT WANT THIS OBJECT AFTER ALL!!!" and then you just chuck it in the trash bag with everything else. well, okay, let me back up a second. shortly after deciding to move, i had a brilliant idea. instead of just telling you what it was straight out, let me pose this as a trivia question: what do you do if you are on the internet, and your house is full of crap, and you want to get rid of it without throwing it all away? if you are like most people, you say, "aha! an internet auction!" this would indeed work, but only if you are the kind of person who wants to spend two weeks taking pictures of crap and typing up sentences about why it is great, and then receiving three hundred emails from nigerians wanting to buy your charles dickens action figures with counterfeit money orders. that is not my style at all. i needed to pack up all the crap i was keeping, turn off my gas/water/telephone, turn on my new utilities, change my address on the fifteen different specialty porn^H^H^H^H computer industry magazines i receive, and rent a truck and take everything over to the new place. i needed a better course of action. i gathered everything i didn't want into one pile. compact discs, broken keyboards, books i never finished, old lamps, torn-up blankets, cans of tuna fish, and all the other crap that was just sitting in my house, taunting me. i separated it out into about fifteen different boxes, and then hit the internet. after searching around, i found that the high school i went to had a special page for alumni to list their current occupations and whereabouts. this was perfect. i copied down a bunch of addresses from people i didn't really even remember attending school with, and then set to work writing letters. DEAREST _____ (this is where i put the person's name), THIS LETTER MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO YOU, BUT I AM PLEASED TO MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE. ENCLOSED ARE SOME ITEMS WHICH YOU WILL FIND EXTREMELY VALUABLE. FOR THESE ITEMS, I HUMBLY REQUEST A FEE OF $70.00 (SEVENTY US DOLLARS) IN EXCHANGE FOR THEM. IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO PAY FOR THESE ITEMS, PLEASE RETURN THEM POSTHASTE TO _______ (and this is where i put the address of one of the other people i went to school with!!). THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND I HOPE THAT YOU ENJOY THESE ITEMS TO THEIR FULLEST. YOURS, DREWEMBE MULATTO MARIMBA. then i put the letters in the boxes, addressed them, sealed them up, and dropped them off at the parcel-shipping office, instructing them to collect cash on delivery from the addressee. i put a fake return address so none of my crap would accidentally come back to me. i can not believe how well this strategy worked. i am sitting on my new couch right now, in my new house, with my dog sitting on the floor next to me, and there are exactly zero boxes full of thrift-store trophies or computer magazines from 1998. the internet helped me move in ways i never thought possible! and you better believe that the next time someone mentions ebay to me, i'm going to laugh for minutes on end. and when i catch my breath, i'll say, "hoo, boy, ebay? well, heh heh, i guess you've never heard of a little thing i like to call the internet." (back to the writing index page)