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ARTICLE 134: cheese.com JANUARY 2005 faithful net readers, lend me your ears! and your cheese boards and cheese knives! i have discovered the wonderful world of cheese. long excommunicated from my stable of preferred foods, i have welcomed the prodigal son back with open arms, and open mouth. OWMPH. (that is the sound of eating cheese) stuck in the grocery store the other day, i was wandering through the cheese section. on a whim, i picked up some cheese with red wax on it and smelled it. it smelled delicious! wensleydale with cranberries, i said to myself, that is the name printed on this cheese! and surely, it was. i threw it in the stupid plastic shopping basket along with the other crap i was buying and went home. well, not directly home, because i was stuck at the store in the first place because i was getting my car serviced next door. i had spent an hour reading the magazines on the rack at the supermarket before i decided my time would be better spent just smelling different foods. and, of course, the best way to smell things is to put them in your mouth and eat them, which i did. (a supermarket sample day is every day, if you know the right way to do it!!) i did not eat the cheese until i got home, but it was still wonderful. the creamy texture of the cheese with the cranberries was one of the best things i had ever eaten! oh, cheese, you have changed my life! i shouted. this woke up the dog, who trotted over to the kitchen table to see if he could get cheese. RICKEYDOG the cheese is for humans only, do you see a dog on the label? i asked him. then i showed him the label, which of course only had some nutrition facts and some kind of royal shield or something. the cheese would poison you, a lesser owner would have sent you to an early dog grave! i told him. popping the last bit of the block of wensleydale into my mouth, i hit the internet. let me tell you something as an aside here: up until a few months ago, the standard "old person" word for the internet was "AOL" or "MSN". whenever older people would try to get me to fix their computers, they would tell me: DREW how do i get my msn up, it is broke! do i need a faster internet chip! please tell me! but recently, this has changed! now all old people refer to the internet as "google". if you do tech support, prepare for a flood of calls asking you, TECH SUPPORT AGENT how do i bring up google! my google is not coming up! i am just forewarning you here. so anyway, i brought my google up (hahaha) and ended up at CHEESE.COM. they told me, DREW based upon your cheese preference you would also like gruyere and white stilton with blueberries! after picking up the crumbs of wensleydale with my fingertips and eating them (to prevent the dog from getting them, of course, not out of gluttony, you understand) i went straight back to the grocery. i grabbed another plastic shopping basket and filled it with tasty cellophane-wrapped bricks of expensive cheese. heading to the cereal aisle, i opened up a huge box of corn flakes and stuffed the cheese in. then i opened the bag of corn flakes and poured them over the top of the cheese, covering it completely. brilliant! i then went to the customer service department with the open box of cereal. a lone teenager was behind the counter, staring at the floor, so i shouted, "fine, if you will not accept my return of this defective box of corn flakes, i will be forced to return to my house and eat them!" i shook the box at him, cereal spilling everywhere, and pushed my way through the automatic entrance doors back out to my car. i put the cheese in the fridge and returned to the table. RICKEYDOG i have a treat for you! i yelled. he came running from the living room, skidding to a stop at my feet. rickeydog, our government subsidizes production of corn, and manhandles the food and drug administration into approving the addition of corn syrup, maltodextrose, and other foul processed-corn foods into our country's food supply! it is our duty, nay, our pleasure, to steal and consume this horrible corn! i poured the corn flakes out into his bowl, and he ate them all. because dogs eat everything. they are like the fat people at the salad bar who make food pyramids on their plates with each trip. except you can pet 'em. (back to the writing index page)