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ARTICLE 133: pukedoodies DECEMBER 2004 this past weekend i went to pittsburgh. if you are not familiar with this city, you may know it from the phrase "pittsburgh: it's crowded and full of soot!" or "pittsburgh: home of some cruddy buildings!" i made these up a while ago, and they were not subsequently adopted by the mayor as the official slogan of pittsburgh, who continues to distract people from the true nature of the city with his slogan "pittsburgh: look, it's over there!" all slogans aside, i went to pittsburgh because they have an ikea there. this store is probably old news to you but it is wonderful to a poor american, as they sell modern-looking furniture which is extremely inexpensive, easy to assemble, and quick to completely fall apart. but while it's together, oh! what a nice purple end table it is, for nine dollars! after three hours on the interstate to pittsburgh, i went straight to ikea and loaded up my car with some cheap lamps ("made of plastic... so they'll melt!") (okay, I made that slogan up too) and chairs, and a couple more lamps, since i knew some of them would probably melt. the total bill was about ninety bucks, and thanks to the declining value of the dollar, this is approximately twelve euros. not bad for a house full of hip furnishings! to celebrate my victory over the horrible furniture i bought when i was in college, and still had, i went to a seafood restaurant. in hindsight, this was a bad move. pittsburgh is built into the side of the allegheny mountain range, about two hundred miles from the ocean. it's fairly close to lake erie, but lake erie also flows by cleveland, the city which is most well known for having caught its own river on fire in 1969. i ordered some salmon and a caesar salad. i can't say whether it was the raw eggs in the salad or the bad fish, but between the two, i got horribly sick on the way home. as i drove through the skinny northern tip of west virginia*, i felt a massive rumbling in my guts. at first i thought it was bad gas. "heh heh, that's a pittsburgh air freshener right there," i said to rickeydog. now, theoretically, pets are not allowed in ikea, but i smuggled my dog into the store the same way i smuggled him out of the pet store without paying for him: in my pants! rather than seem intrigued by the foul air, rickeydog laid still on the passenger seat, whimpering slightly. "what is wrong, rickeydog, i am only making fun of pittsburgh!" before i could look over at him, i felt my intestines squeeze hard. out of pure reflex, i steered the car hard to the shoulder and slammed on the brakes. HOLY CRAP i yelled to rickeydog, as i yanked on the parking brake and ran to the grass strip separating the two halves of the highway. out of respect for more sensitive readers i will not spell out what happened next, but only refer to it by its codename: PUKEDOODIES. the master songwriter morrissey might describe such a situation more poetically, perhaps as "a candle lit at both ends... oh, such a bitter gift." i knew the situation was dire when rickeydog refused to come out of the car, much less attempt to eat the results of my ill-fated pittsburgh fish special. like most dogs, he can predict the weather, and in this case, there was a 90% chance of pukedoodies. needless to say, it took me about five hours to make the remainder of the trip. if you're ever sitting around, wondering, "how can i get this newfangled avian flu, without having to go to thailand or make out with a chicken?" the answer lies here. or rather, over there. pittsburgh! look, it's over there! go and get it! PITTSBURGH: HOME OF THE PUKEDOODIE * west virginia: "highest incidence rate of nuclear power plant-induced cancer in the united states since 1960"! unfortunately, i didn't make that one up, it's just true. (back to the writing index page)