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NOVEMBER 2004  hello magazine readers! by the time you read this, the united states election will be old news, but here in the united states it just happened. i live in ohio, which is a state where you are not allowed to vote on a piece of paper, but instead you must use a computer to register your vote. this is a great leap forward in technology, because as computer users, you know that they are extremely reliable and do not crash as often as pieces of paper do! so fifty-nine million people have just voted to re-elect the president of the united states. i voted but apparently most americans did not feel the same way as we did. this is important new information for me! thus far in my career as a writer and artist i have striven for technical excellence and social change. now i understand how the system of america really works! starting today i am going to make sure i keep my job as columnist for this magazine by doing extremely horrible things! no more will i "turn my articles in on time" or "submit my pictures as 300dpi TIFF files". from here on out it is "electing my dog to high positions within the magazine administration" and "submitting my pictures as 72dpi GIF files"!! THE ILLUSTRATIONS WILL BE BLOCKY AND JAGGED! and you will support me as i write for this magazine for four more years! i will make it illegal for gays and women to read the magazine, and i will rig the web forum polls so it looks like you all think my column is the best! i will lose the rest of my coherency and make up even more words! i will lead the magazine staff in pre-emptive invasions of other magazines, and we will install puppet editorial staffs there, and they will not sell well after the take-over but i will declare MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!! i will claim to have led the company to hire more people and flourish economically, while in fact it suffers a trillion-dollar debt! then i will destroy all funding for employees, making them work for minimum wage with no insurance, and tell everyone that i have added jobs to the company! i will use the retirement funds for employees to pay off my corrupt friends' failing businesses, and to ensure that they are never put in jail for lying to stockholders. next, i will claim a moral high ground to gain support for my administration, but endorse the torture and murder of staffers from other magazines. it will be part of an open-ended "war on errors" which supposedly seeks to eliminate typos and misprints from magazines around the world, but which really is used to destroy other magazines that my dad doesn't like, so i can show him how much better i am than he is. you didn't get re-elected, dad! you sucker! finally, i will alienate large magazines (that we can't directly take over and control) by ignoring their input on what i am doing, and pulling out of all of the conferences and award ceremonies we have together. i will inflate the importance of minor magazines who are frightened into supporting us, and ignore the alliances which have helped the publishing world not completely self-destruct over the last century! then i am going to-- OH CRAP WAIT this magazine is not american, it is english. whew. i thought for a second there i was going to be able to run it into the ground with a smug grin on my face, and make all the other magazines in the world hate us. sorry about that. my mistake. PS. dear england: we will trade you one drew for the morrissey you sent us. write back soon. love, america (back to the writing index page) |