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ARTICLE 129: brewin' wit drew AUGUST 2004 three days before this article was due at the magazine headquarters, i got an email from paul, who is the editor of this magazine if you did not know already. he told me: DREW the articles are coming along well, your illustrations are in the right format, but this is an internet magazine, and you should perhaps put something about the internet in your next article!! little did he know that i had been doing research for months, trying to find the best thing on the internet to write about. so please be prepared because this article will unveil the awesomest thing that has ever been seen on the internet!! you may want to sit down, especially if you are in some bookstore reading this. because that means you ripped open the plastic bag to read it in the store! what is wrong with you, do you think we do not have to feed our children and pets?! GO TO THE COUNTER AND PAY FOR THIS IMMEDIATELY, you know you also want to have a disc full of shareware to write advanced ASP scripts with anyway. so back on topic here, a little while ago i found this site to end all sites. it is the JUGGALO PERSONALS! many people are familiar with personals sites, probably because there are ads for them alongside every site on the internet that is not a personals site. it will have a picture of some twenty-three year old dude and below it will say, PERSONAL OF THE DAY: spring_brk33 I LIKE TO CURL UP WITH A CAT or whatever people have on their mind to say to the internet. they work pretty well because every web page you go to, there they are. you can not get away from spring_brk33!! and if you do not know what a juggalo is, it is a fan of the group "insane clown posse", which is an all-white rap ensemble who cover their faces in black and white grease paint to look like evil clowns, and have their own rap slang, just like regular rappers. the combination of stupid hair, stupid makeup, and baggy black pants appeals immensely to subnormal 13-17 year-olds, and the insane clown posse has millions of fans all over the... uh, all over america, at least. so this page, (http://hometown.aol.com/debbikins6/personals.html), is a personals page JUST FOR JUGGALOS! if you go to the page you will learn about such intricate rap slang as "splittin' wigs" (definition: slicing a person's head with a knife), "carryin' the hatchet" (i guess to split wigs with), "wearin' paint" (wearing black and white clown-style facepaint on a regular basis), "dreads" (fake dreadlocks, made with glue or other artificial adhesives, because inbred white people can not grow actual dreadlocks), and "down wit the clown" (synonym: "i am a fan of this band"). if this is not enough to convince you, check out the michigan page (http://hometown.aol.com/debbikins6/mich.html) and see that the juggalo personals really work! this young clown found a juggalette (english translation: a girl who is down with the clown) and they are on their way to some kind of concert right now, or perhaps they are standing side-by-side in a public restroom, applying their clown faces, to transform from normal teenagers into HATCHET-CARRYIN' CLOWN HOUNDS!! finally, if you are a lonely sort, as internet folks occasionally are, you will be relieved to know that, as always, there is someone on the internet a hundred times worse off than you are. my favorite personal ad from the juggalo site reads, "needs a Juggalo that is cool with fat chicks, smokin', drinking, and dealing with personality disorders." you will not find such an unbridled display of personal honesty on any other personal site! TAKE THAT, YAHOO PERSONALS! this whole episode has inspired me to work on a set of slang all my own. if you are BREWIN' WITH DREW (that means "if you are a fan of my work") then you gotta learn this! here are the definitions! eatin' steak on a plate: having dinner bouncin' checkz: trying to pay the rent klepto pepto: stealing antacid from the store (i never do this, but maybe you do) splittin' steakz: giving a portion of your dinner to a dog brewin': making coffee basically just drop the last letter from any gerund and you will be on your way to slangin' it in no time!! so if you a DREWALO you just gotta email at me all like WHUT! YOU HEARD! PEACE I'M OUT GOTTA GO SPLIT SOME STEAKZ (back to the writing index page)