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ARTICLE 127: wireness internet JULY 2004 rrRRRRRRRrrrrRRRRRRRRGRGGGGRRR!!!@ do not be worried, fellow internet magazine readers, it is not a danger sound, instead it is only the sound of my alley neighbors using a chainsaw! if you are thinking that the noise is a surprise you are also correct, because if you look closely you will notice that it is the sound of my alley neighbors using a chainsaw at a quarter past midnight! last night i was sitting on my porch looking at some websites when the chainsaw noise started up! if you are wondering how i was doing that, the answer is: WIRENESS TECHNOLOGY! using an old and slow laptop computer, i was able to hook into the internet using a special "wireness" fifty-foot ethernet cable strung across my living room and out the front door! and thanks to a successful mod where i cut a notch out of the bottom of the screen door, i can enjoy the wireness internet without letting flies in the house. technology is wonderful! so i turned down the brightness on my computer screen and peered around the edge of my porch. my neighbor was cutting holes in the middle of his deck with the chainsaw!! i enjoy modifying technology to suit my needs, so i knew the neighbor felt the same way too. (or maybe his malt liquor felt that way!) i jumped off the deck and ran over into the alley to talk to him. NEIGHBOR!! i shouted up to him. NEIGHBOR i see you are modding your deck, is this more for speed or is it because you want to cool the deck off more! issha frenamo GOW DAMBO, he told me! since you may not be familiar with the pidgin language "ohio drunk" i will translate. he was saying, DREW what you need to do is confirm that i really am too sauced to notice anything that happens, and then take my grill! NEIGHBOR thank you, i told him, i have needed a grill for a while! i walked around the side of the house, found his grill, and wheeled it out into the alley. neighbor, you are a good man, keep chainsawin'! i told him, and then wheeled it through the alley and back around to my porch. he did not respond and did not even turn around to see what i was doing, but in a minute he started chainsawing again. it is a sign of an intrepid modder that they block out everything else in their quest for a faster, cooler deck! the grill was an extremely nice model, the name was something like SUPR-COOK or BURN-BUDDY. (i do not have a good memory for grill brands, perhaps it is because i am always fixated on modding steaks so they are crusty on the outside yet slightly pink and tender on the inside!) i set it up on my porch and headed inside to get some spray paint. the problem with drunks is often they will decide to do different things after they are finished drinking, so i knew i had to camouflage the FYR-COOKR before he noticed it was gone! ten minutes later, i had painted the grill a nice lime green on the outside. after a couple of quick coats of enamel gloss clearcoat, it was looking new... or perhaps BETTER than new! i went to bed, lulled to sleep by the relaxing sound of nature's own chainsaw: the chainsaw. this morning i woke up and before doing anything else i walked out onto the porch to make sure everything was still all right. the grill was still there, in all its verdant glory! i looked around the corner at the neighbor's house. there, among a wreckage of several bottles and cans, lay the newly modded deck! it seemed as though sometime during the night, the intrepid alleyman had actually cut off the support posts for the deck, leaving it hanging at an angle off the side of the house, and then cursorily attacked the side of it, leaving some of the railing intact, and other parts completely demolished. it was a work of supreme beauty and knowledge! by cutting down the weight of the wooden deck, the alleyman increased its airflow, and by leaving it hanging at an angle, he insured that a minimum of people would stand on it- meaning that it would operate far more efficiently! i was going to go congratulate my neighbor on his feat of creative mastery, but instead i decided to congratulate my stomach with a freshly-grilled steak on the lime green GRIL-DUDE. steaks never taste better than when they are cooked on a grill you did not pay for!!! (back to the writing index page)