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ARTICLE 126: hello police JUNE 2004 today i was in my bedroom putting an air conditioner in the window. since i have an old apartment, it was not built with a central air conditioner or even a special wall hole to put an air conditioner in!! so i have to balance this tiny thing that weighs a hundred pounds on my windowsill and hope that it does not fall out and kill someone if the wind blows too hard. while i was duct-taping it into place, i saw a mysterious man wearing a hooded sweatshirt, looking into cars parked outside! since i live next to an alley full of miscreants i could easily believe that he was a friend of someone who lived there, but my crime-detecting ability told me: DREW, it is not simply a shady friend of a shady neighbor, instead it is a real criminal who wants to take things from cars!! i ran downstairs to get my camera and came back up to the window. i took some pictures of him as he looked around sneakily and then proceeded to climb in someone's car and rifle through the glove compartment! i was a little mad that the man was trying to take ketchup packets or slips of paper with reminders written on them from someone's car, but i managed to take several pictures of him so that the police could see his face and clothing clearly! he got out of the car and looked around some more, then tested the door handles of a couple of other cars and got into one to find more treasure inside. i had enough evidence so i called the police!! i ran back downstairs, plugged the camera into my computer, and called the police. HELLO POLICE THERE IS A CRIMINAL IN THE ALLEY!!! i told them. HE IS STILL THERE, i have pictures of him, the evidence is like a party that never stops! i gave them a description of the criminal and in a few minutes a police car rolled by in the alley and knocked on my door. POLICEMAN i am glad to see you, here are the pictures! i told him, and opened up the camera pictures. i printed off a couple of them for him, and he said he would be on the lookout to try to find the criminal, and recover any fast food napkins or empty soda cans the man may have taken! also he told me to keep the photos because they were needed for police evidence. OFFICER the photos are safe, i will keep them for you, please let me know if you need them, i can even e-mail them to you with the power of the internet! i told him. he left and i got to work on the photos. i was not totally sure that they were going to be able to send the man to jail if he was just taking some pocket change out of peoples' cars so i knew i needed to harness the power of photoshop to make a difference! (if you have not heard of photoshop, it is a very nice program which you download^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hpurchase and use to edit photographs, you can do everything with it!) i searched google images (images.google.com) for items to put in his hands and pockets to incriminate him. it is a great tool because you can search for extra-large images only which helps you if you are working with very detailed photographs! over the course of a few hours i digitally inserted the following into his photographic record of criminality: 1. a dog. who would steal a dog? only the most rotten of all scoundrels!! FOUR YEARS MINIMUM FOR DOG THEFT!! 2. a film reel. it does not seem like a horrible crime until you realize HE WAS CARRYING THE ORIGINAL MASTER REEL FOR BEN-HUR!!! TWELVE YEARS MINIMUM FOR THEFT OF ANY MOVIE WITH A CHARIOT RACE!!@ 3. a large cardboard box. what was in the box, you say? my answer is that clearly this man is a hardened, evil criminal, and the box was full of only the most valuable items that could be thefted. NINETEEN YEARS MINIMUM FOR THEFT OF CARDBOARD BOX WITH POSSIBLY VALUABLE CONTENTS! the police called back a couple of hours later and told me that they found the man and would need the photographs. OFFICER, i told the man calling, you are going to get some photographs alright! we are talking thirty-odd years minimum for theft of certain objects! then when he hung up i used italic and underline on a font to make a desktop picture out of words: DREW.... CRIME STOPPER!! drew p.s. i was going to add a naked iraqi to the car pictures and tell the police the sweatshirt man was responsible for torture problems but then i realized that the government would take it and use it as evidence that nothing bad is happening in iraq. as soon as the police got the picture, our secretary of defense would begin blanketing the world with statements that it was not the fault of the military! DEAR UNITED NATIONS, thanks to a hero in ohio, we now know that the prison abuse was controlled and perpetrated by the hooded sweatshirt man!! you will be relieved to know it was not perpetrated by our government and covered up repeatedly! now help us reprogram these voting machines because IF YOU ARE NOT WITH US, YOU ARE A TERRORIST!! sincerely, donald rumsfeld (back to the writing index page)