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ARTICLE 125: c-ya dood MAY 2004 every time i sit down to write an article or draw pictures i have some coffee. coffee is the exact opposite of can beer, if you do not believe me then have some coffee! instantly you will feel like being thinner, develop a hatred of sports, and desire a job. if it were not for coffee i would not have agreed to do articles for this magazine every month, i was hopped up on some high-test sumatran blend and got some emails asking me if i would put something on the last page of a magazine, and i told the editor: yes, it is no problem!! i woke up the next day with a pounding headache and the realization that i had just agreed to write for a magazine. it was too late, the die was already cast! let this be a lesson to you: if you do not like to do work or you enjoy sports, please be aware of the dangers of coffee! unfortunately, this episode did not make me realize that coffee was controlling my life! i was under the illusion that i remained in power over my own judgment, but all the time, coffee was leading me by the hand through a horrid maze of employment and publicity! and perhaps the most gruesome part of my life, which occurred last week. i had been searching for a special kind of coffee called "kopi luwak" for some time. this coffee is made when a certain kind of marsupial eats coffee fruit growing wild in the indonesian jungle, and then poops it out! the locals collect the marsupial poop and wash it off to get the coffee beans out, which are still intact inside of the rest of the waste. then they send the beans off to be roasted and ground and brewed. it is one of the most expensive coffees in the world despite its origin and like many other coffee fiends, once i heard about it, i decided i must have it!! finally i got some from the perth, australia-based BEAN SHOP and it arrived here in a small tin! i could barely sleep that night, thinking about how i could have the world's most retarded hot drink that has ever been created. i tossed and turned and finally got up at four o'clock in the morning to try the coffee! i carefully ground the roast beans and brewed two solitary cups of it in my coffeemaker. it smelled like the hot, damp rotting vegetation of indonesia itself! i drank both cups slowly, savoring the earthy flavors that permeated my soft palate. it was like drinking a compost pile made of the best coffee grounds in the universe!! once i was done i looked at the internet for a while and then decided to go back to sleep. i do not know if it was the power of the coffee or the hallucinogenic properties of marmoset poop, but i had the most bizarre dreams ever!! i am very glad that freud is dead or he would send me email about them. --- From: Freud To: Drew Subject: Orange Camaro Dream drew!! the dreams you had are very significant!! when you were hiding in your apartment because there was an orange camaro driving by it at fast speeds chasing a man with a giant forehead riding a bicycle, it symbolized that you were not held enough as a child!! then when you called the police and an officer came over and got angry that you were using an old man's monocle as a magnifying glass to focus sunlight coming through the window and burn holes in an orange, that symbolized your mother's love! and finally when you gave the policeman a t-shirt to appease him and you had to clean all the twelve-legged spiders off the ceiling with a tennis racket after he left, and then suddenly you were in a high school gymnasium and you wandered off down a dark hallway which led to a casino, and you pick up a cup to blend in but then you look down to find that instead of quarters it is full of milk and vitamin pills, that symbolized your reluctance to accept your own internal nature! c-ya dood! SF --- i know that it is pretty clear to psychologists now that freud did not have very many good ideas, but most telling is the fact that there is no mention of hallucinogenic poop coffee ANYWHERE in his writing! therefore, i am almost completely sure that all sleep research which does not take into account the horrible properties of kopi luwak is void and null. henceforth we must take the reins and ride forth into the future! a future where men and women are not afraid to accost those in the medical profession and say: hey! what if i drink this certain kind of coffee and then fall asleep! what then, doctor? WHAT THEN?! (back to the writing index page)