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ARTICLE 124: PLease My caR is bRoke MARCH 2004 as you probably know, the economy in the united states has been horrible for the past three years or so. i do not want to start talking about politics and war so i will not say anything more about it! nobody has jobs and that is the main problem, because it lets them do things like stand or sit on the sidewalk and ask for money. usually they do not get a lot of money and also people do not like to get yelled at while they are trying to go to the post office or see a band play! i decided to take action!! most people do not actually like to change things, instead they just complain about them and say that the world is terrible! if you have ever used a message board you know it is true. millions of people talk about things that are terrible which could be fixed if they would stop trying to find the button to click on the animated smiley face which is hitting itself on the head with a hammer! (FUN FACT: did you know that message boards were created in 1974 by a man who saw that adolescents did not get enough chance to argue at home or at school, and decided to open up a brand new world of arguments!!) i walked down the road a few blocks out to the main road. in just a few miles i encountered six different panhandlers! they all had different stories but i told them: PANHANDLER the story is excellent, here is a story for you! if you come over to my place and help me stuff envelopes, i will give you five dollars instead of just pocket change, it will only take a few minutes! and then the five dollars can be used to fix your broken car, probably a couple of bottles of WILD IRISH ROSE would be an excellent repair tool! they all agreed to come and help!! i took them to my apartment and went into the storage room where my t-shirts are. maybe you have not seen my web site but i sell t-shirts and books to people on the internet. the only problem is that it takes forever to fold them and stuff them into envelopes and put labels on them!! BUMS here are some envelopes, i told them, just put the shirts in the envelopes and then tape them shut, the reward is soon yours!! then i went into the kitchen to make some coffee. i did not figure the bums would be good workers but when i got back to the storage room with a mug of coffee, they were all done! PANHANDLERS you are very fast workers, probably if you wanted to get a job you could get a good one somewhere, your speed is amazing! i dug in my wallet and gave them all six dollars. it was a twenty percent tip, this is the minimum i would recommend for fast service! the bums filed out the back door and i watched through the window as they crossed the street in a group to head directly to the liquor store. i was feeling pretty great because not only did i not have to fill a bunch of envelopes with t-shirts, but i had just directly supported america's biggest economy: alcoholism!! i went back to the storage room to gather up the packages and take them to the post office. one of them was still open so i picked it up to put some tape on it. a small piece of paper slid out of the envelope! i picked it up, and it had writing scrawled in mixed case that said: PLease My caR is bRoke Give $1 To Me coRNeR 11th & MaiN sT THE BUMS WERE USING MY MERCHANDISE TO PANHANDLE OVER THE INTERNET! i threw the envelope down and picked up one that was taped shut. i ripped the end off the envelope and it had another note in it too! BUMS, YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!!! i shouted to the pile of packages, and shook my fist!! i ran outside to yell at the bums but they had already drunk their ill-gotten six dollars worth of booze and passed out in the alley next to the liquor store! i wanted to kick them but i could not bring myself to do it. they had bad enough problems and also they were unconscious! my theory is that when homeless people drink enough to pass out, they enter a mystical dream land called BUMHALLA, where fortified wine flows from giant fountains, and all the pedestrians give them twenty-dollar bills! so anyway here is my advice. if you ever plan to hire bums for your own business, just remember this: a bum on liquor works even quicker, but a passed-out bum is just no fun. (back to the writing index page)