ARTICLE 122: THE PLOW
FEBRUARY 2004
before you start reading, i have to warn you that i am going to write about porn! i know that in england it is illegal to show some certain equipment or people sticking certain things in other things so if you are offended by frank depictions of humans doing things they shouldn't then READ NO FURTHER!!
i stole the part of that last sentence from the door at the video store near my house! a lot of people try to live in nice areas of town but there are no frank depictions of people performing unnatural acts in the suburbs video stores. the video store down the street consists of a tiny front area which has about forty movies from the early 90s, then a back door leading to a giant wonderland of pornography!!
if you have the internet you can find porn quite easily! probably you get emails about it every day, and you can use search engines to find it (at last count, google had 91 million matches for the keyword "porn") but you are missing out on the most important part of it. the important part is going to the porn section of the video store and watching people carefully choose and consume pornography!!
like most porn places here, the video store is open twenty-four hours a day. it means that if you stay up too late and you are tired of looking at the internet, it is the only place besides a truck stop that is still open! it is best to go there late at night anyway, because there is less of a chance of having to see your neighbor when he is in the front part of the store trying to decide between a movie with a talking baby and a movie with a talking pig, and you are in the porn room looking at the life-sized flesh-colored silicone forearm (with fist) and an old dude with a flannel vest furtively leaves with his collection of rental videos, and just as the door is swinging shut, you look up, and your eyes meet, and you end up having to chase them out of the store, swinging the silicone fist arm over your head and telling them, NEIGHBOR if frank depictions of this oversized fleshy implement offend you then DO NOT LOOK AT ME!!!
all of the accessories for sale in the back room have intense names, despite the fact that they all look like post modern dog toys because they are so large i do not think they could be used for anything other than decoration! they have names like "THE GRINDER" and "THE PLOW", perhaps some people like to put these things next to their bed when they are depicting frank depictions with other adults like it is a sprig of parsley. and just like in most restaurants, the parsley is not used, it is simply returned to a pan after the dinner is over, and placed on someone else's plate! (of course this means that if you actually dare to use "THE ZAMBONI" or "THE PRINTING PRESS", a lot of other people have touched it, it is a warning for you!)
most people in the porn store do not even look at the aisles full of tools or liquids or accessories though. instead they head straight for the rental section! maybe it is because they know that if they purchase "THE BRICK" that it will never get used, but i think that probably it is because they are digging for treasure. porn TREASURE!!
i would talk to people at the porn store but there is an unspoken code of conduct there which is exactly the same as the code of urinal etiquette! the code is that you never talk to other people or make eye contact. the first few times i went into the store, i tried to talk with porn consumers about what they were looking for and tried to convince them to suggest good films to me, but they did not want to talk to me about it!
these days i know that the most i can do at the porn store is cautiously eavesdrop on video selections and try to imagine the houses that people live in who rent porn. do they have a hi-fi entertainment system? or a dirty, salsa-stained twelve inch combination tv-vcr? we may never know. (here is a hint for you: the last time i tried to find out, i got chased out of the porn room by an old man wearing sweatpants and wielding an eighteen-inch-long black rubber thing known only as "THE ELIMINATOR"!! so listen carefully to my warning, or you may end up as the latest victim of an incomprehensible porn tool called "THE PICKUP TRUCK" or "THE FLOWERPOT")
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