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NOVEMBER 2003  most men who go to work wake up in the morning and shave and go to work, it is a formula that works out well! but if you are unemployed, you do not need to get up in the morning or go to work. some people think it is a bad sign if you let a beard grow while you are unemployed but i am writing this article to tell you why an unemployment beard is important! for encouragement you should look at this web page: (http://www.worldbeardchampionships.com/) it is the address of the world beard and mustache championships!! unfortunately these people are only halfway to realizing the glory of an unemployment beard but it is a good start. the part they are missing is knowing that a mustache is only going to make you look like a bartender from 1880 or like you have a sponge taped to your lip that sucks up any food or liquid you put in your mouth! when most dudes get fired from their job they probably keep getting up early in the morning, taking a shower, and shaving. it is important to realize: you do not need to do this! one of the keys of growing an unemployment beard is to start it the day that you get fired or laid off from your job. if you waste several weeks in a cycle of not shaving and then examining your face a few days later and getting discouraged that you have quarter-inch hairs growing everywhere and cutting them all off, you are never going to get anywhere! also, i do not care how scientific you are, DO NOT SHAVE YOUR BEARD OFF IN STUPID PATTERNS. that means that you should not grow a neckbeard or mutton chops or a thin beard that goes all the way around your face. if you do you will just end up looking like this guy who shaved off half his beard. so you may be thinking, "why is an unemployment beard important?" the answer is simple. if you want to be able to find other unemployed people to talk to during the day, you have to indicate that you are unemployed too! but if you carve your beard up so it looks like you are a college student who does not know what to do with his cheek hair, no unemployment beardsmen will talk to you! however, if you roll up to your neighborhood coffeeshop or pub and sit down next to a man with a sparse beard, it is easy to become friends with them! all you have to do is estimate the length of their beard and say, "six weeks, eh? coming in nicely, mate!" and then they will look over and say, "ah, it's been two months since i worked, it is coming in slowly! looks like you're three weeks out now yourself!" and then you can have a good conversation!! also if you are unemployed, you will probably stop waking up in the early morning after about three days. the official unemployment wake-up time is eleven o'clock! once you stumble to the table and have some coffee and look at the internet and maybe try to find a job (also known as "putting your resume on some internet site and never getting any responses") it will be three or four o'clock in the afternoon. which means that if you go out and do things at any point, you have a high probability of running into people you used to work with, because they are just getting off work then! if you talk to them they will probably tell you about how they are still working or have found a better job, and then they will ask how you are doing! the worst thing in the world is giving coworkers the satisfaction of thinking that they are better than you because they found another crappy office job somewhere. but if you have a beard, you can pretend you are someone else! if you are in the grocery and a man comes up to you and says, "(YOUR NAME) how have you been?" you can just say, "what? i am albert, i am trying to buy figs, IT IS A CASE OF MISTAKEN BEARD IDENTITY!!!" then just grab a package of figs and run out of the store! the problem is solved, and you do not have to play the game made famous by all my ex-girlfriends when they call or send me mail to see "how i am doing" which means "let's compare how i am doing better than you since we broke up!"* *p.s. the correct way to handle this situation is to scream into the phone, "I AM ALBERT AND I ONLY WANT FIGS YOU HAVE A WRONG BEARD NUMBER!!" and hang up! (back to the writing index page) |