New blog: March 9: Huge TFD original-art sale! About TFD / Videos / RSS Feed        Links: Natalie Dee / MTTS / Superpoop

ARTICLE 114: crazy william JUNE 2003 yesterday i went to get some fireworks!! every july americans celebrate their independence from england by using fireworks. maybe it is misleading to say that, really they celebrate the fact that they can cook meat outside and have a day off from work because it is summer! most people do not pay a lot of attention to history or reason for things, usually it is okay though. maybe in history there is a reason that people do not work on saturday and sunday, perhaps someone in the middle east sprained his ankle when he was walking around two thousand years ago! and then it was better about two days later, but the days that he could not walk were SATURDAY and SUNDAY! and probably those were greek words, saturday means CRAP MY ANKLE HURTS. and sunday means I THINK IT IS GETTING BETTER, TOUCH IT, AGHGHHHH OKAY OKAY DON'T TOUCH IT, IT STILL HURTS!! so all the fireworks places here in ohio are pretty far outside of big cities. i am not sure whether the government is afraid that the fireworks would destroy a city if it was nearby or just that people on farms in the middle of nowhere use more fireworks!! it could be that there is an agricultural use, perhaps the casings of seeds needs to be exploded open, or burned bottle rocket casings are good to use for fertilizer. like most other things that happen in ohio though i think it is popular in combination with alcohol! (if you are not familiar with ohio it has a few big cities but in between the cities is just farmland and truck stops.) if you are on a farm then whether you are driving around or watching television or actually farming, your best friend just might be alcoholic beverages!! (i do not mean that farmers are bad, but probably if i had to drive farm equipment around and talk to horses then it would be helpful to have jug wine or something to make the job better.) yesterday morning i got in my car and just drove out east of town until there were no more buildings except barns. in a few minutes after that i saw a promising billboard for CRAZY BOB'S FIREWORKS!! the cartoon was not very exciting but the billboard promised all kinds of pyrotechnics were available, so i followed the billboard directions and got off the interstate. the fireworks place did not look crazy but perhaps it is so people who do not notice the billboard do not try to visit it if they can not handle how crazy the fireworks are!! i parked my car and went inside. the building was just a plain warehouse, it had cinder block walls and a bunch of wooden shelves with chinese fireworks on them! they did not only have the legal fireworks though, also they had the exploding and flaming and shooting fireworks which you are not allowed to have in ohio. if you buy them you have to sign some forms which says you will take them out of ohio as soon as you buy them, it is not an effective way to outlaw fireworks, but if you are going to try to drive a fireworks dealer out of business who admits to an entire highway that he does things that are not so logical probably you want to let him off easy!! anyway i got a bunch of crap there, it is not really exciting to say the names because they are all exaggerations. none of them say "medium-loud pop" or "whizzing fire that goes out in six seconds" or "kind of shoots up and crackles a little bit", it is only a slight lie! most people are used to product names saying that food is delicious or that cars are powerful and it is all lies, so they do not mind fireworks called "SUPER SHOOT FLAME ROCKET"!! i went up to the counter and paid for the fireworks, the person working at the counter had a nametag on, but it was not crazy bob. CRAZY WILLIAM (his name tag said william so i thought maybe that was his store name) is crazy bob around!! i want to tell him about how the billboard cartoon needs revision, perhaps i can help! CUSTOMER there is no crazy bob, it is just a store name! the clerk told me. CRAZY WILLIAM it is not a good way to do business, the building is not crazy and the cartoon is sad and the firework names are all lies!! perhaps you should call it DEPRESSING BOB'S FIREWORKS instead! he started to get mad and suddenly i realized that it was a terrible mistake. sometimes i say things to people in restaurants or stores and they do not like it but they do not have a building full of explosives at their disposal! i had to make up for the error as quickly as possible. CRAZY WILLIAM it is the spirit of america, you are the spirit!! nine eleven NEVER FORGET america and flags!!! i told him, and saluted him!! then i ran out the door with my paper bag of fireworks and the carbon copy of the form where i told them i would go to kentucky immediately to use the fireworks. so i thought some people might want to try to get fireworks after reading how they are useful for farms!! i tried to get a link to put in this article, but it did not work out because probably crazy bob does not really need to have a web site to entice farm people to come and buy fireworks. or i guess crazy william since that is as close to crazy bob as it will ever get! (back to the writing index page)