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ARTICLE 113: "ENCOURAGED" MAY 2003 at most places i have worked they have a program where employees are "encouraged" to contribute to charity. by "encouraged" i mean that it is almost mandatory!! they give you pamphlets and make you go to meetings about it, to shake you down for a percentage of your paycheck. the goal is for the company to say WE GAVE TEN MILLION DOLLARS TO THE UNITED WAY THIS YEAR, oops i mean "unnamed charity"! i am not against giving money to people who need it, even though i only have a job sometimes. the problem is that clearly a large portion of this money is spent on making pamphlets and telling businesses they will look good if they force their workers to donate money! the united way always seems like a really well-dressed guy standing on the end of a freeway ramp at the stoplight holding a sign saying HUNGRY BROKE AND HAVE SIX KIDS NEED HELP GOD BLESS and it is obvious he is just going to take your money and go spend it on milk coffee drinks and a copy of the new york times!! and you always shout at him, hey, why don't you go get a middle management job!!! don't you have any pride, you-- and then you realize that standing on a street corner asking for money gets you less insults and more money than a middle management job! so anyway i have lived in urban areas for a while now and they are usually pretty full of people asking for money. i did not give people any money at all when i first encountered panhandlers, but since then i have developed a quick guide to whether or not you should give people money! it works well for me and it will probably work well for you. it is comprised of two parts! part one is: does the panhandler address you in a novel way? unacceptable greetings are "hey doo (shorthand for DUDE)", "excuse me sir", or "hey man, what's up". these do not adequately convey coolness on the part of the beggar! acceptable salutations are as follows: yo landslide! what's shaking, rickets! hey earthquake! gimme the good news, cryogenic! what do you know, arpeggio!! part two is: does the panhandler do something both skilled and entertaining? failures are everywhere, from muddled saxophone doodlers to beatles-playing guitards. one example of a success is a local man known as "help is on the way". he will freestyle rap for you, for minutes at a time, about anything you or he can think of. and sometimes, he will do this in between eating MARSHMALLOW FLUFF (a sickly-sweet sludge made from liquified marshmallows) out of a jar with a spoon. his name comes from the fact that all of his raps end with the line, "HELP IS ON THE WAY!!!" so i am going to make this perfectly clear: united way, unless you start personally addressing me by saying "what's up bootlegger!" or call me on the telephone to freestyle rap to me, you are not getting anything. your reign of charity terror is OVER!!! furthermore, any pamphlets i get with postpaid return envelopes are just going to be returned with pictures of me eating convenience store food with HELP IS ON THE WAY, and maybe even transcribed rap lyrics about how he saw some guy run into a telephone pole with his truck the other day! it could cost you as much as FIVE TO SIX DOLLARS WORTH OF POSTAGE!! ARE YOU LISTENING NOW CHARITY PEOPLE!!!@ i guess it is entirely possible that people who work at the united way are too busy buying cheap liquor to read an internet magazine, but you never know. wait, i did not mean "buying cheap liquor", i meant "feeding their seven kids and repairing their car which caused them to be stranded on the freeway ramp even though i do not see a broken car anywhere near here"! (p.s. i did not mention that girl who asked for internet money to get credit card bills paid, it is a relief to you!! it is like the one day you go to work and do not have your coworkers try to talk to you about television shows or how it is friday, and man, i am glad friday is here) (back to the writing index page)