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APRIL 2003  it is the springtime now and that means that lots of bands are starting to go on tour again! they are like bears or any other creature that just stays in its house and watches television and drinks all winter long, mostly because they do not really shower! right now you may be thinking that the best way to determine if your favorite rock band is playing in your city is to grow accustomed to their scent and then carefully sniff the air each afternoon to see if they are in town. but THERE IS A BETTER WAY!!! like most things these days the better way involves the internet! you can go to pollstar.com or even to your favorite band's web site to see if they are going to play near you soon. (warning: bands update their web sites as much as they shower so the content may not be current!) if you are crafty and don't mind spending extra money just to avoid leaving your chair, you can even buy tickets online and have them mailed to you or pick them up at the club. most of the bands i like are stupid indie-rock crap, so every single show i go to has a pool of mop-headed thrift store shoppers all standing around drinking expensive beer and trying to look good! (this is another thing i forget until i actually go to the show.) i was standing in the middle of this small grimy club trying to see this band play when suddenly i was attacked from behind by a wall of hipsters!!! GAAAGRRGGRHHH!!! they had advanced on me quietly and i did not notice until they were almost on top of me!! well they did not so much attack me as sort of stand near me and nod their head out of time to the music and clutch their stubby five dollar beers! but i think maybe it was a special hipster attack which involves moving just slightly closer to you whenever you are not looking, the attack style is not as fierce as most martial arts but it is just as dangerous because you do not expect it. if some muscular dude in a white uniform with a black belt was at a show you would think: probably i should not stand next to that guy because he is a ninja! but when you see skinny indie rockers you think the only danger is that they will try to talk to you about tortoise or shellac or another boring band. one hipster was standing directly behind me! i looked down at his feet and his vintage tennis shoes were only two inches behind mine, ready to step on my heels at any time! HIPSTER, DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT EVERYONE ELSE HERE HAS THOSE SAME EXACT BLACK PLASTIC GLASSES!! i told him. his eyes snapped out of their long-distance focus and he stopped bobbing his head, and looked right in my eyes! WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME AND WASH THE PEANUT BUTTER OFF YOUR BELLE AND SEBASTIAN SHIRT, I HEARD THOSE GIRLS OVER THERE TALKING ABOUT YOU AND THEY WERE SAYING YOU WERE A TOTAL POSER AND DID NOT EVEN LISTEN TO THEM UNTIL THEIR MOST RECENT ALBUM! he looked scared for a moment, and then turned around and dropped his beer and ran!! everyone nearby stared at me, so i picked up the half-full bottle of red stripe and held it out in front of me like a knife. i shouted at them: BACK OFF, HIPSTERS, AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT BLOWING THE SMOKE FROM YOUR EXPENSIVE CIGARETTES OVER HERE, OR I WILL MAKE FUN OF HOW YOU STILL LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS AND HOW YOU CLAIM THAT VINYL SOUNDS BETTER THAN CDS WHEN YOU DO NOT EVEN OWN A TURNTABLE!! there was a scuffling sound that i could hear even above the piercing indie guitar chunking as they all scooted backwards in unison. i whirled around to face the crowd in back of me. NOW DON'T MOVE ANY CLOSER, i yelled, OR I'LL TAKE YOU BACK TO MY PLACE AND MAKE YOU WEAR MALL CLOTHES AND LISTEN TO THE RADIO UNTIL YOU CRY LIKE A BEATEN INFANT!! they kept a respectable distance the rest of the show! i think the lesson here is that you should treat bothersome hipsters like you would any kind of dangerous criminal: by threatening them with physical and cultural violence! (back to the writing index page) |