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JANUARY 2003 here is a secret about the magazine publishing business: articles you see have to be written at least a few weeks before the magazine is made!! it is probably not something you think about so much but it is something good to know. if you are getting mad and thinking that the things in the magazine are old DO NOT WORRY!! instead you should realize that it is a time machine, except maybe it is a bargain time machine that only goes into the past a little bit! so i have to tell you: READERS, I AM SPEAKING TO YOU FROM THE RECENT PAST!! right now it is the middle of the winter here in ohio, i am sure that by the time you read this the weather will be sunny and warm in england! (just kidding, i have talked to english people before and they said that only happens one day in july.) but right now it is bitter, frigid cold and i have been struggling to keep warm lately. i tried to keep warm by downloading old mega man games and playing them on my computer. i heard about emulator programs a while ago but i did not realize the value of this until i lost my job and had much more time to play video games! you can download an emulator program to play ROM files (emulation.net) and then search the internet for the game files which are always on some cruddy foreign server because they are kind of illegal to have! (well ok it is not so bad because mostly i do not think companies are going to get angry if you play some game from 1986.) it was good to have something to do besides watch game shows and hope that someone will call me on the phone and tell me to come work for them! but it did not really warm up my hands at all. i think i was using the bad logic that a lot of video game players use which is that running around inside a video game is as good for you as actually running around! since mostly i have just been sitting in my house wearing two sweaters at a time and drinking coffee i have not developed the muscles that a lot of gamers have. i do not know how it works, because i am not a doctor, but somehow you can develop bulging, powerful muscles in your belly and around your thighs and hanging off your arms and face if you tone your muscles for playing videogames for years!! i still have the untoned physique of a regular person though, so i was not even getting video exercise. after reading through all kinds of old video game web pages online i thought of the best idea ever! a lot of people overclock their computers to play games and i thought: WAIT, the people always need extra fans for the computer so it does not burn up!! the solution is obvious!!! i printed out some web pages about how to make your computer speed up and cracked open the case. it is not so easy as turning up a thermostat dial but all you have to do is rearrange some wires and WHOOSH~!! your computer processor has been powered up. in mega man language that translates to BLOOP BOOP BEEP (JAPANESE GAME MUSIC) YOU GET BUBBLE SHOT! i left the computer case open to radiate the heat onto my face. it worked perfectly! i was going to post to a message board somewhere and tell the computer people that all they need is unpaid gas bills and a cold apartment to keep their processors from being destroyed, but then i realized that loyal readers of the magazine need to know this secret before the rest of the world! now you too can jump around and shoot guns at a full four percent speed increase over what the original manufacturer recommended!! TAKE THAT, COMPUTER MAKER! that is all for this month's column! next month i will write about-- wait, i mean this month. no wait i mean next month now, which is this month, which OH NO IT IS THE MORAL OF TIME TRAVEL COMING TO GET ME!! I AM STUCK IN A PARADOX!!! MY HAND IS FADING!! QUICK SOMEONE HOOK THE CAR UP TO THE CLOCK TOWER (back to the writing index page) |