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Toothpaste For Dinner archives (by month): 2012: jan : feb 2011: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2010: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2009: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2008: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2007: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2006: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2005: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2004: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec |
son, listen to me here - don't take drugs unless you think staying up all night writing poetry using only the word "dog" is a major life achievement
HOW TO TELL WHEN YOU ARE OLD: PART 3 babies everywhere congratulations when people your age tell others they are pregnant, everyone congratulates them instead of saying "...ohhh" or just sucking air in through their teeth
THINGS YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT THE ATKINS DIET single chin steak in belly hard boiled eggs two heads of lettuce - saturated fats and high-cholesterol foods are discouraged after the first two weeks - after losing their first 20 pounds, atkins dieters gain power of levitation - upon reaching "maintenance" phase, dieters are able to shoot powerful eye lasers - unlike chain letters, atkins diet will not bring bad luck unless you convince seven other people to join you - side effe
make up to two thousand dollars a month stuffing envelopes! use receipts, paper clips, other peoples' hair, things you find on the sidewalk! FILL YOUR CLOSETS WITH BROKEN APPLIANCES!! EAT NOTHING BUT APRICOTS!!!! THE WORLD IS YOURS
waaaaheeoh yaaahhh now fade to black and play an african chant sample over a 1993-era trip-hop beat as the text scrolls slowly by, reading "65,000 elephants have died this year alone and many more than that are quite sad"
afterbeef. n. the short, percussive conclusion to a long or powerful beef frooooooeeeee... POP
i would like to propose a compromise with respect to marijuana use so that we can finally solve this issue my plan is that marijuana will be legalized, but jam bands, hemp products, and patchouli will be outlawed
well, son, all i know is that when we die, we never have to listen to smooth jazz ever again, so if you ever get worried again, just think of that
crap, i should have charged my pi-pod before i left
happy birthday!! now blow out all the candles on your birthday steak! my low-carb birthday
i let my hair grow out for seven months just so my drivers license photo would look awesome
my favorite office prank is to give a crackhead twenty-five bucks and tell him you'll give him seventy-five more if he knocks the windows out of the boss's car it's like colt 45...works every time
so i see you have a bachelor's degree... what did you major in i majored in bidness nunyo bidness
beedle deedle donk thanks to technology, the most annoying sound in the world is no longer people listening to bleepy ring-tones in public, but instead, people listening to all their phone's available midi songs
jing jing j-j-j-j-jing the tenor guitar: outside of mexico, it is perhaps the most misunderstood of all instruments in this six-part documentary, i will play the mexican hat dance over and over on the tenor guitar UNTIL YOU RECOGNIZE
how was your weekend my family did another stupid intervention they were all like "drew, we care about you...you're not going to find life's answers at the bottom of a coffee cup"
QUICK TIP: speak softly and carry someone's ripped-off arm around with you
CORPORATE POLICY CHANGE: all employees are now required to carry a hoop at all times and to jump through it prior to the completion of any task. failure to do so will be grounds for dismissal
if i can ever bring the rapping bum together with the bum who reads everything he sees out loud continuously, i will have created an unstoppable musical force help is on the way! buckeyes are here to stay! student special four for five dollars, new taste deals
life is like a grocery conveyor belt...we emerge and disappear shortly into the checkout aisle thing and in between, we have eggs and milk put on top of us, and... uh, the one thing stops it when stuff passes by
HAMSTER i don't care if you live in a cage, you still do not need to trade me cigarettes for favors
youuuu can't eat ussssss the only bad part of a low-carb diet is that, occasionally, donuts, bread, and potatoes torment me with their terrible screaming
i found this in your room...a passport, son? did you really think you could travel to other countries without your mother and i knowing?
man, gas is two bucks a gallon now what?! oh, crap, and here i thought that fossil fuels were totally renewable and would last forever
HOW TO TELL YOU ARE OLD, PART 2 when you hurt your back jumping on the bed and realize you are too old and fragile to ever do it again
HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE OLD oh man, they're playing in cleveland, but not here when your favorite band is on tour, but they don't come to your city, and the closest stop is two hours away, and you don't want to drive all that way to see them, you are old
DREW: COFFEESHOP BLACK OPS SPECIALIST when you get up from your clean, non-wobbly table, i will know. and i will take it.
HAMSTER i would love to set you free but you have been classified as an "enemy combatant" under the patriot act besides, what would you eat
SCIENCE TRIVIA: did you know that the more members an instrumental rock band has, the worse they are? studies have shown that the optimum number is zero
LOCAL SEMI-CELEBRITY UPDATE i saw damon zex and the black witch at the coffee shop. he ordered a latte. a latte of PURE HYPNOTIC EVIL!!!!!
fashion is a competition between people to see who can look the most like a retarded clown
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Toothpaste For Dinner archives (by month): 2012: jan : feb 2011: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2010: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2009: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2008: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2007: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2006: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2005: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2004: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec |
