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Toothpaste For Dinner archives (by month): 2012: jan : feb 2011: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2010: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2009: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2008: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2007: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2006: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2005: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2004: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec |
drew needs food! drew is about to die! DON'T SHOOT FOOD!! as a pre-teen i thought it was hilarious to talk to people using video game quotes, until my dad yelled at me when i told him for the hundredth time as he got into his car, "use keys to open doors"
DEPARTMENTAL FATTENING. n. the collective name used to refer to the constant stream of birthday cake, potlucks, retirement lunches, meeting donuts, and free pizza in a typical office TO: all.employees@work.net SUBJ: Cake in the break room at 10:30 today!
eat them up, yumm............fish heads, fish heads, roly poly fish heads have you ever wondered: is he/she "the one"? if you made a tape as a child with only the song "fish heads" on it over and over, and upon mention of this to your boyfriend or girlfriend, they admit to doing the same, your search is over
FUN FACT: i am slightly autistic, but only with food for example, a couple of months ago i had some guacamole and it was good, and since then, i have eaten it two or three times a day
CARGO SHORTS VS. CAPRI PANTS the final match in the 2004 world cup of clothes that make you look dumb
FREE WIRELESS INTERNET because god knows you need to read the onion right now
...in fact, four out of five doctors agree: SHUT UP
ACTUAL CONVERSATION I HEARD IN THE GAS STATION THE OTHER DAY mom can i get a candy bar okay...but if i get you a candy bar, that'll be your only snack for after dinner today
oh man, such excellent hard wood floors VIEW INTO MY MIND: in 1993, everyone who saw that lisa loeb video where she walks through the empty apartment, but i fear i was the only one who enjoyed the apartment's high ceilings and beautiful hardwood floors more than lisa loeb's face or song
so we took the kids to the park on sunday oh, that's just an urban legend whenever my coworkers tell me any kind of story, i like to dismiss it with "oh, that's just an urban legend!"
life is pretty much like ikea furniture: no matter how many times you read the instructions, it quickly comes to a short, brutal end
WHAT COLLEGE PROFESSORS WANT YOU TO BELIEVE HAPPENS DREW!! we are in over our heads on this one! we're gonna lose this account unless you can do a triple integral in polar coordinates and show all work!!
attention zoos: you could make millions off me alone if you had a dog section in the zoo clearly i am not the only one who would gladly pay the entrance fee if it meant i were guaranteed to see at least one boston terrier
my greatest regret is that i never filled entire notebooks with obsessive, paranoid writing and left them for my family to discover
as words become increasingly popular and trickle down through social classes to children, they inevitably change to simply represent one half of the binary good/bad classification: 1981: awesome 1985: gay 1989: bad (i.e. good) 1992: sweet 2003: islamic 2006: downsized 2001: apocalyptic aww man, my charles dickens rap action figure broke...totally downsized
i just looked for a job and then i found a jooooob i used to think the smiths were depressing but now i think they are pretty cheery and upbeat that means either i am a happy person now, or i am so constantly depressed that it seems like morrissey is doing pretty well in most of his songs
the level of partisan discourse on the internet is amazing on any given day, thousands upon thousands of people log on to type either "michael moore is awesome" or "michael moore is fat"
then my finger was extending, like - reeeeeeeooooowwww, and it dipped into the whipped cream ten feet away and put it in my mouth the only thing worse than going to work is going to work and listening to coworker drug stories
EXCERPT FROM "THE UNEMPLOYMENT DICTIONARY": week-end. n. the two days that you have to find something else to do because web sites do not update
i have often wondered what happened to krs-one after the first track on rem's 1991 album "out of time" - did he realize one rap breakdown was more than enough for an rem album, or was he forcibly removed from the recording studio? unh! losin' my religion! sing it! gimmie some more mandolin! unh!
WARNING do you like me, choose one yes no
son, the reasons you can't get a dog go beyond the fact that your mother will end up feeding him...it's...well...i'll put it this way: if i pay for a dog, i'm naming him, and won't it embarrass you to tell your friends your dog is named "hobo snot"
my neighborhood is great - anytime i want, i can go out and find a pickup game of "yell at hipsters" hipsterrrr! ?
ALL NEW!! a padded thing to sit on while you watch stadium sports!! warning: padded thing will not alleviate the feeling that you're wasting your life watching steroid-laden men chase each other around in a field slapping each other on the butt
2004: finally, a world in which we are not judged by our color, but by the size of our sport utility vehicle
i am voting for whoever sponsors an initiative to outlaw flash their running mate will be the one who outlaws the use of midi files on web pages
NEW ADVENTURES IN OFFICE MUZAK HELL: an all-MIDI instrumental version of "tom's diner" toot toot too-toot toot toot too-toot, toot toot too-toot too-toot too-toot (synth-brass)
what's for lunch today soul-crushing melancholy followed by a long complacent torpor until i find relief in death oh, sorry, i thought you said "what's the rest of your life going to be like"
TEMP JOB RULE #1: you stuffed the papers i gave you to file into the sink and left the water running oh, sorry, i'm just a temp no matter what you do, you can excuse your behavior by simply saying "sorry, i'm just a temp"
i think the women of the world need to know that when i pass you a note that says "circle yes or no" YOU CAN'T WRITE "MAYBE" IN THE MIDDLE AND CIRCLE IT
we're going to need you to re-code all of the database entries by hand that's retarculous* *retarded and ridiculous. canadian translation: "saskatchewan"
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Toothpaste For Dinner archives (by month): 2012: jan : feb 2011: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2010: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2009: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2008: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2007: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2006: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2005: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec 2004: jan : feb : mar : apr : may : jun : jul : aug : sep : oct : nov : dec |
